being solitary is an achievement » Catharsis

1210

juvifish — Sat, 02 Jan 2010 05:48:57 +0000

… that there is no need to obsess over a decision. God has more in store for us then we can ever predict, and what we fear are bad choices frequently turn out for the best, because our hidden aspirations know better where we are going than our rational minds.

A Bystander’s view

juvifish — Sun, 27 Sep 2009 09:04:21 +0000

2 weeks ago, Lance and I had spent the whole afternoon searching for a place that was nearer to my new work. Our initial list included Cubao, Katipunan, Pasig and Marikina. After looking at several places, I fell in love with this nice little apartment in Rosario. While a few friends agreed that the place was a steal, there were some who had their reservations. They forewarned that Pasig, especially the one near Marikina and Cainta, is often devastated by flood waters. I choose not to listen because 3^rd floor, 40sqm, no association dues, free parking and a 4-digit monthly rental fee is just too good to pass up… We furnished and moved in to the new apartment in just 2 days!

Except for cats (??) noisily running on the roof every now and then, the place lived up to all my fantasies! Imagine my horror yesterday when we woke up to shin deep water in front of our compound. Poor Lance had to brave the typhoon and move our cars to higher ground. The fun part of the day was that it was the same day I was supposed to leave for Australia and the flight is in three hours!! So Lance carried 20+ kilos of luggage to my car and we waded through flood waters. We were supposed to convoy all the way to Alabang but as Murphy’s Law would have had it, the streets that we had to pass had higher water than our street. I started praying that the water would not reach my engine as Lance started cursing the water flowing into the interior of his car. We couldn’t drive our cars more than a hundred meters and yet we got stuck for 2 hours trying to get back to the apartment.

Listening to the news, it seemed like we were in much better shape compared to villages that were very near our area. C5-Tiendesitas (a couple of blocks away from our place) was non-passable, Greenpark (which was on the same row as Ciudad De Mejia) was slowing turning into pool of murky waters and almost all the Marikina Villages were already submerged (including Provident which was one of the nicer villages being suggested to us when we were house hunting). We spent the rest of the day worrying about our cars and food. We didn’t have any supplies except for a kilo of rice, 2 small microwaveable viands, a liter of mineral water and Oishi’s wasabi potato chips. Being in a new place for only a week, we didn’t think of bringing flashlights or candles and as we anticipated, electricity went out sometime in the afternoon.

Having nothing to do but wait, we slept until electricity went back on at around 7pm. By this time, the rain has now become just a simple drizzle so I urged Lance to go out and buy important items. Surprisingly, the vehicles blocking outside our village and Ortigas Ave were all gone. The first sign of non-moving vehicles we saw were on the flyover going to Tiendesitas, we were puzzled why one lane had a row of trucks while one lane didn’t have any cars at all. The answer came to us a few minutes later when we passed the trucks, the drivers of the vehicles have already abandoned their trucks at the side of the road! Lance kept on telling me that it was reminiscent of Racoon City. Instead of getting stuck, we counterflowed and took the road going to Libis, thinking that Shopwise or Eastwood would still be open.

It dawned on me that this was indeed a major catastrophe. Most stores were close but we found one mercury drug store and one ministop still open however, they didn’t have any more supply of flashlights, candles, noodles, water and food. We decided to stop by Jollibee and found it full of people, probably waiting out the traffic or because they were like us, who didn’t have any food at home. C5 was turned into a large parking lot. Drivers and passengers were sleeping their cars. Commuters were walking and probably hoping for any form of transportation. I think everyone was puzzled by the fact that the rain has stopped but the disaster did not seem to have abated yet. Lance and I were a bit worried about the possibility of spending the night in the car. Fortunately, Lance remembered an alternate route. Our place was 5 minutes shy of the affected areas. We were warm, dry and had food so we worried and offered a prayer for those who were still affected, hoping that the night turns into a sunlight filled day faster than usual.

I was glad to have woken up to sunlight and immediately opened the tube to follow the news. It devastated me to find out that despite the lack of rain, the water has not subsided yet. I woke Lance up when they flashed an aerial view of the affected areas; he commented that he seemed to be looking at footage of Louisiana after Hurricane Katrina. Chocolate brown water covered cities!!! It was sooo surreal especially knowing that this was just a few meters from our own place.

I have often wondered if Noah was really able to move the ark with just 60 days of rain. In my weak mind, it seemed impossible for a sea to form over just a short period of time. God has humbled me once again through yesterday’s tempest. The only difference about this flood was there was more than one Noah. I am eternally grateful for those who coordinated rescue efforts, to those bystanders who became instant lifeguards, to those who continue to spread awareness in every little way they can… As of this writing, it has started to rain again.

While each of us must move and help each other, Prayer is still the greatest gift that we can offer. In God’s grace and saving power, I lift up my spirit.

Noynoy will run for 2010

juvifish — Wed, 09 Sep 2009 02:22:00 +0000

Exactly 40 days after President Cory Aquino’s death, her son Senator Benigno “Noynoy” Aquino III has officially announced his candidacy for the 2010 Presidential Elections. The announcement was made at around 8am-ish at the Club Filipino in San Juan (the same place where his mother took the Presidential oath).

“Tinatanggap ko ang hiling ng sambayanan. Tinatanggap ko ang tagubilin ng aking mga magulang. Tinatanggap ko ang responsibilidad na ituloy ang laban para sa bayan. Tinatanggap ko ang hamon na mamuno sa laban na ito. Tatakbo po ako sa pagka-pangulo sa darating na halalan”

Watch Video: Noynoy Aquino announces bid for presidency in 2010 polls

It seems that each of their reluctant acceptance of political responsibilityis always (but not incidentally) triggered by the death of one great family member. Cory to Ninoy’s and now Noynoy to Cory’s…. And so the challenge goes on for the Aquino clan.

While I am hopeful, I am not yet ecstatic. Noynoy like his mother is no doubt the most noble and principled candidate in the shortlist of Presidentiables, his political (in)experience still concerns me . While he was obviously instilled with everything I admired President Cory for, does he have the same wisdom, steel courage and faith — or at least enough for him and the whole Filipino nation to survive 6 years. I urge everybody to vote wisely and that means to continue to scrutinize each candidate until the actual ballot is right in front of us. To research, to know the issues, to hear each candidates platform, to hear their debates. Cory, and recently Noynoy, reminded me that decisions cannot be done hastily. Decisions should be made in a long painstaking process…. as we exercise our right, let’s make a vote that our heart, our mind and our Lord has blessed.

Cheers to a hopeful 2010.

Tie a yellow ribbon for Cory Aquino

juvifish — Mon, 03 Aug 2009 05:57:40 +0000

Ang bayan kong Pilipinas,
Lupain ng gintó’t bulaklák.
Pag-ibig ang sa kanyáng palad
Nag-alay ng gandá’t dilág.
At sa kanyáng yumi at gandá,
Dayuhan ay nahalina.
Bayan ko, binihag ka,
Nasadlák sa dusa.

Ibon mang may layang lumipád,
kulungín mo at umíiyák!
Bayan pa kayáng sakdál dilág,
Ang ‘dî magnasang makáalpás!
Pilipinas kong minumutyâ,
Pugad ng luhà ko’t dálitâ,
Aking adhikâ,
Makita kang sakdál laya!

I was barely 2 years old when Ninoy was assasinated and only 5 years old when People Power started but despite not fully grasping the political details of the events that was unfolding, all my senses had to told me to pay attention because the Philippines was going through a historic event. I remember standing at a bench near our sari-sari store shouting “Cory! Cory!” while making the “L” symbol with both hands. All I knew was her face and that she was fighting against a seemingly gargantuan man…

As I grew up, my ideology was somehow diminished as I heard more criticisms about her presidency and as people raised arguments on how better it was during the Marcos regime. In my mind however, I cannot fathom how more than 2 million Filipinos could all be wrong. Validation might have happened the day of her death and the days that followed it.

Though we might all question the effectiveness of her governance, I cannot allow anyone to question her strength, integrity and patriotism. Ninoy said it best in the poem that he wrote for her:

I have fallen in love
(Ninoy’s Poem for Cory)

I have fallen in love
With the same woman three times
In a day spanning nineteen years
Of tearful joys and joyful tears
I loved her first when she was young
Enchanting, brilliant, middle-strung
Vibrant, fragrant, eternally new
Cool, invigorating as the morning dew.
Desperate, she shared, quieted my despairs
Hopeful, she fanned the fires of my hopes
Lavished me with days of bliss and peace,
Endless, perpetual days of fond memories.
She is my hope; I do not wish to realize
Hence my hope; forever green, eternal prize
My life transcending life, my ultimate quest
Dream of my life for whom I’ll spare no rest.

I fell in love again
With the same woman the second time
When first she bore her child and mine
The first fruit of our union and our love.
The pains and anguish of motherhood she braved
Loved her children, their love she deservedly craved
Times were she hung on the very brink of death,
Unflinchingly fulfilling her mission to procreate.
In politics I plunged, she was always by my side,
Steadfast, uncomplaining, helping to turn the tide,
Amidst hardship, her rare courage would not relent
She was my secret weapon, the source of my strength.
The world was my concern, our home her domain,
The people mine, the children hers to maintain,
So it was in those eighteen years and a day
Till I was detained, forced in prison to stay.

Suddenly she became our sole support
Wellspring of hope, source of comfort
On her shoulders fell the burden of life
She emerged our captain in the sea of strife.

I fell in love again
With the same woman the third time
Looming from the battle, undaunted, unafraid,
Calm composed, she is God’s lovely maid.
It has been a year of many disappointments
Endless dark nights, long days of sad lament,
Of grave doubts, frustrations, bitter desolations,
Of privations, untold indignities, humiliations.

Dreams became nightmares; hopes, despair.
Rally to freedom’s call, no one will dare.
Future is obscured, life has lost its meaning,
The tunnel is long, we’re only at the beginning.

Leaders I admired, whose advice I sought
Became fallen idols, their souls were bought,
Their conscience they bartered for “soft” convenience,
Due to despicable cowardice, they’ve lost their patience.

Leaders became dealers, begging for part of the spoils,
Forgetting the value, the essence of the hottest toil,
Paralyzed be fear, they joined the amoral dictator,
Defending, waving the bloody flag of the new oppressor.

The pillars of society became the props of tyranny,
“Be realistic,” they urged, “if not for safety, for money.”
It is useless to resist, the tyrant is too strong,
Yet aware, with their help the tyranny will prolong.

Mother Pilipinas weeps, her noble sons are gone,
Her land of the morning, is now of the setting sun,
Back to her dungeon in chains she’s been returned;
For all her sacrifices, this is what she earned.

The night is cold and dark, there are no stars,
Our prisons are full, our souls wrinkled with scars,
Afflicted, persecuted, struck down but not crushed,
How soon will this blight be erased by Allah’s brush?

My only escape is to cling to the woman of my dreams
Who gave me a life full of love, a love full of life,
She is my urge to live, my sole motivation to survive,
She taught me not only to dream, but to make dreams alive.

Fight on! She says: Let not the guiltless ghost depart.
Your pains, our people know are caused by a thousand darts,
But be assuaged, remember the Filipino, his story, his past,
Soon, very soon, the tyrant will choke in his greedy power lust!

Cory Aquino died a few months shy of the next presidential election, reminding each Filipino about the importance of Democracy and that our action is what determines our future. I smile. I can’t help but think that even in her death, she made a difference.

New Soul by Yael Naim

juvifish — Sun, 26 Jul 2009 19:36:53 +0000

I’m a new soul
I came to this strange world
Hoping I could learn a bit bout how to give and take.
But since I came here,
Felt the joy and the fear
Finding myself making every possible mistake

la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la…

I’m a young soul
In this very strange world
Hoping I could learn a bit bout what is true and fake
But why all this hate?
Try to communicate
Finding trust and love is not always easy to make

la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la…

This is a happy end
‘Cause you don’t understand
Everything you have done
Why’s everything so wrong?
This is a happy end
Come and give me your hand
I’ll take you far away

I’m a new soul
I came to this strange world
Hoping I could learn a bit bout how to give and take.
But since I came here,
Felt the joy and the fear
Finding myself making every possible mistake

I’m a new soul… (la, la, la, la,…)
In this very strange world…
Every possible mistake
Possible mistake
Every possible mistake
Mistakes, mistakes, mistakes…
Take take take take take… take a mistake
Take, take a mistake
Take, take a mistake
(oh oh oh oh…)

I Will Follow You Into The Dark by Death Cab For Cutie

juvifish — Mon, 13 Jul 2009 04:30:32 +0000

Love of mine
Someday you will die
But I’ll be close behind
I’ll follow you into the dark
No blinding light
Or tunnels to gates of white
Just our hands clasped so tight
Waiting for the hint of a spark

If heaven and hell decide
That they both are satisfied
And illuminate the “No”s
On their vacancy signs
If there’s no one beside you
When your soul embarks
Then I’ll follow you into the dark

In catholic school
As vicious as Roman rule
I got my knuckles bruised
By a lady in black
And I held my tongue
As she told me, “Son,
Fear is the heart of love”
So I never went back

If heaven and hell decide
That they both are satisfied
And illuminate the “No”s
On their vacancy signs
If there’s no one beside you
When your soul embarks
Then I’ll follow you into the dark

You and me
Have seen everything to see
From Bangkok to Calgary
And the soles of your shoes
Are all worn down
The time for sleep is now
But it’s nothing to cry about
Because we’ll hold each other soon
In the blackest of rooms

If heaven and hell decide
That they both are satisfied
And illuminate the “No”s
On their vacancy signs
If there’s no one beside you
When your soul embarks
Then I’ll follow you into the dark
Then I’ll follow you into the dark

Basta

juvifish — Sat, 07 Mar 2009 03:11:00 +0000

Ginising ako ni Nice kahapon kasi kakain na daw ng lunch. Yung bahay nila sobrang baliktad sa bahay namin. Sa kanila mapapagalitan ka kapag hindi ka kumain ng 3 beses sa isang araw; Samin swerte na ung may lutong ulam na hindi pinainit lang.

Parang dorm ung bahay. Sulit ang microwave at puro tupperware ng ulam ang ref. Wala ring formal dining table (or rather dining chairs!)… Hindi ko alam kung bakit hindi na kami bumili ng upuan para sa dining table. Maganda naman ung dining table namin, wood at may intricate design, ung nga lang plastic stools lang ang silya. Tapos plastic na nga hindi pa ata sapat sa aming lahat. LOL.

Napaisip tuloy ako kung kelan ung huling beses na kumain kaming lahat ng sabay sabay. Syempre hindi counted ung sa mga restaurants.

Medyo matagal na rin. Before pa siguro ako mag-work…so more than four years na.

Namiss ko tuloy.

Naalala ko lang nung bata pa kami, dapat by 6pm nagseset na ng mesa. Kasi uuwi na sila mommy. Pag kakain na bawal ung sabihin mo na busog ka.Magagalit pa si Daddy at pandidilatan ka ng mata pag hindi ka umupo. Ano kaya ung nangyari? Siguro nagbago un nung umalis na ako for college kasi 4 na lang silang sabay-sabay. Tapos nung nagte-thesis si Jun, nag-apartment din sya— so 3 na lang sila.

Matagal din ako hindi nakauwi, taon siguro in between visits. Pag balik ko, iba na. Hindi naman panget kasi ok lang naman na kakain ka pag gutom ka na. Madalas mas pinipili ko ung tulog kasi gabi ung pasok ko, ok na walang istorbo sa pagtulog. Siguro isang araw susubukan ko na magsabay-sabay ulit kami.

Sisimulan ko siguro sa silya. Anim na hindi natatago.

Sa April, sisimulan ko sa silya.

then i remembered I don’t owe them anything

juvifish — Mon, 16 Feb 2009 03:39:00 +0000

i’ve been counting down to the weekend as soon as i realized that it was already the day before Monday. yes, i have been that excited for Friday night to come along. i think i worked long and hard since 09 started — and i barely complained! — so i was allowing myself to not feel guilty about looking forward to a great weekend.

I was feeling pretty good, the delivery team accomplished a lot and I still had a few hours to cover the operator briefing! yay! I was off to see Nice in less than 2 hours…

…In my giddiness, I forgot to account for Murphy’s law.

I was told that I sent the wrong links and that I didn’t know a very important piece of the puzzle. To make matters worse, all this s&^t was happening in front of people we manage!!! So much for leading by example, I have four witnesses to the lack of communication of the management team.

Instead of going out the door within the next 15 minutes, I stayed in the office until 930 PM (and it doesn’t end there cause Monday is still another day!). I consider myself to be very level headed and have always believed that when something goes wrong, it wasn’t just one person’s responsibility and a lot of people have heard me preach this. But this was one time when I could simply not find anything else I could have done better… except perhaps if I tried to learn reading minds.

I was angry. I was angry from 930 in the evening up to 930 the next morning. I had talked it out with four people but the anger did not wane. I was angry, and angry some more… and then I was disappointed.

Disappointed because I dread what will happen Monday morning. How people would give their own excuse and how some would be difficult. I am disappointed to realize that it was not that different and that no place may ever be different.

Sigh.

I am disappointed because I am not happy anymore. She had said that the essence of being with them is not because of the money but because of the belief that you are part of something big and great. She reminded me that we accepted this… and maybe that was part of the problem. I felt compelled to stay because I accepted and I rarely quit things that I started. Then comes the leeway to finishing school, the birthday surprise, the “trust”… I owe them so much right?

But then again… didn’t I accomplish things? I sometimes felt like I had to jump hoops to get things done. Without guidance, without real clear objectives, direction or process… it was a challenge and I stood by all of it. I’ve passed my 6th month a few days back and I have not once objectively looked at this position because I felt obligated to stay… and also because it seemed to be a great deal. What’s losing a few numbers on your paycheck and some benefits to getting less stressed and having enough time for myself. Citibank said it best “priceless”.

But what happens when you lose the “less stress” and “enough time for yourself”? So far, just a yearly income that is 30% lower, less benefits and questions in your head.

I wish I did not wonder…

…but I do.

There’s a small voice now asking “What else could be out there?”

things have not gone my way…

juvifish — Sun, 25 Jan 2009 09:14:56 +0000

WHEN YOU HAVE LOST YOUR TEMPER

O God, I know my temper is far too quick.

I know only too well how liable I am to flare up,

and to say things for which afterwards I am sorry.

O God, help me. Help me to think before I speak.

When I feel I am going to blast out,

help me to keep quiet for just a moment or two,

until I get a grip on myself again.

Help me to take myself and others less seriously so that I don’t reach the point of being angry at all.

Help me to keep perspective and to let go of my anger.

Amen.

re-learning

juvifish — Mon, 12 Jan 2009 09:08:32 +0000

my song has finally returned

in a rhythm that seemed to be old

but hinted of being reborn

like a recreated memory of an elderly soul.

forgotten thoughts suddenly flooded

and i remembered a girl from before.

my memory refreshed of buried faith

and the stillness i used to bask on.

forgotten thoughts suddenly flooded

and it lead me to a crossroad:

one road takes me nowhere

and one road should take me home.

my song has finally returned

and i knew i had to make a choice.

i surprised myself when i whispered,

“Lord, it’s time to lead me home.”