today i ran out of excuses

no more i’m too busy

or too sleepy

or wait til i get a leave approved.

today it was just unbearably painful

i knew i should get it over soon

you see, i can’t tolerate any ounce of pain

and i don’t like swallowing medicine

stuck between a wall and my crazy place

and nothing to obsess with

for at least the next three days

*sigh*

*deeper sigh*

this is my over reaction

blogging about a tooth extraction

it used to be easy…

secondary to my nature,

the silent moments, whether forced

or unconsciously happening, produced

a strings of words that sang my soul.

but the hands moved through it’s rhythm and the hours

never did return and it carried the ease of  inspiration…

mid-life and the lull time only produced empty spaces,

and the urge to spin thoughts was replaced

by the craving to sleep through sunrises.

my song has finally returned

in a rhythm that seemed to be old

but hinted of being reborn

like a recreated memory of an elderly soul.

forgotten thoughts suddenly flooded

and i remembered a girl from before.

my memory refreshed of buried faith

and the stillness i used to bask on.

forgotten thoughts suddenly flooded

and it lead me to a crossroad:

one road takes me nowhere

and one road should take me home.

my song has finally returned

and i knew i had to make a choice.

i surprised myself when i whispered,

“Lord, it’s time to lead me home.”

it has been a long time, huh?

but i guess what ifs will always creep up to you.

one day or another.

every now and then.

and i feel sinful because i still remember.

you see, i remembered you while listening to abba.

abba’s take a chance on me. you could always sing it with me.

actually you could sing all their songs with me.

and we genuinely liked them, didn’t we?

it was fun knowing someone who likes a lot of things you like.

singing the same songs, remembering the same movies,

buying the same books, playing the same online games,

discussing on the same intellectual level,

challenging convictions and principles,

having similar priorities. it was easy,

wasn’t it?

or maybe it was just as how i remembered it.

if i am not right, then i must only be remembering the good times.

I do not remember you as the pip girl…
I remember you as the girl who remembers me often.
and I am thankful,
makes me think that in all the 100 wrongs I did,
there must have been 1 right in it…

So all the bitterness that place has left in me
is overshadowed by your kindness and your friendship.
I am never the girl that is very good at keeping touch,
but that doesn’t mean i forgot,

because every once in a while, i remember green and blue stations…
and team greta right in front of my aquarium.
…I remember how calm and happy things used to be,

and i remember jessi…

***In response to Jessi’s friendster comments. It’s just nice to know that in the vastness of it all, there is someone who remembers you and thinks you made a difference in their life… I am humbled and grateful of it all.

it’s the 25th of October again

they are now asking how old i am

i got stuck in 22, you know

that small gap between the present and your future

the neverland between today and tomorrow.

….

i feel that everything is still within my reach

just a few inches from becoming a reality

and yet i also feel they have passed

that they have become nothing but dreams.

….

i am twenty seven in a few hours

in less than a day i will be a year older

maybe,

being 22 finally going to be over.

do you fall in love out of necessity?
do you think that it is possible that because you have been so alone for so long you are falling in love because of all the wrong reasons?
do you think it is possible to actually fall in love having the wrong reasons?

falling has always been tricky for me.
it is a common thing that people would ask the question ‘how do you know when you’re in love?’
i always believed that the answer is subjective to each person.
i know i am in love because i feel it.
it has always been that way.
it never felt wrong to be in love before.
i had never doubted my reasons for falling.

until you.
with you i was not ready to fall…
i could not define the extent of my falling
and yet i can feel all of it.
i know i am in love when i feel it.
as how it was always before.
i had never doubted my reasons for falling.
but with you it seems all wrong.

Think of me
on every time
you have blank thoughts
Feel me every time
you feel numbed
by a world that
shuts you out
Leave me as a memory
that stands to be there
But only when you’re
alone and you find
your hand empty
or your heart broken
Think of me as an unseen
shadow that keeps
you without question
A spectre who
knows you more
than you do.

kanina binabasa ko ang buhay mo…
natutuwa ako sa tingin ng ibang tao,
ganun din kasi ang pagkakakita ko sau.
natuklasan ko ang ilang bagay na hindi ko lingid.
mga detalyeng hindi mo sinabi.
mga detalyeng wala ka na atang balak sabihin.
kanina nakita kita sa ibang mata
sa tingin ng mga dati mong mahal.
bakit eksakto ka pa rin ng dati?
nakakatakot na walang pagbabago,
sa kasalukuyan ka na ba nabubuhay
o nabubuo ko ang ilusyon ng nakaraan mo?
ang hirap habulin ng buhay mo…
saan ko ba kailangan magsimula?
isusulat ko sana ang akda ng ngaun at bukas
pero paano kung sa isip mo’y hindi ko pa rin
mabura ang alaala ng kahapon?

i first saw you in the darkness
between the hours of night and my dawn
slowly you fill me with
the light of your morning
hovering closely while i move
out of the midnight of my life

wave by wave you wash over me
and the warmth of the sun entertwines
with the breath of the ocean
seeping calmness into my empty soul
crafting promises of unfulfilled dreams
and relentless sadness.

the rush of your passion
into the shore of my defense
creates our own heaven,
infinite and undefined
i bask myself in the delight
of the vow that i unconsciously ended.