alter-ego

I used to close my heart
the same way people close doors at night…
Secure.
Tight.
And bolted not to let anybody in.
I surround myself with people
who care nothing about me.
I use them and I let them use me,
waking up everyday two steps nearer to
my eventual death.
My life was one great party…
something vaguely exciting that you do not remember the day after…
nothing better than an empty bottle of tequila.
Nothing to look forward to… nothing to look back at.
I remember the day I knew I wanted you,
how I didn’t know anything about you,
but i wanted to do something so i can find out.
I remember falling in love.
I remember wishing you had fallen in love.
I remember tears… thinking you were still in love…
with somebody else other than me.
i walked away a thousand times without you knowing.
in my head, i said goodbye to you everyday
seeking courage to be able to say it to your face…
and miserably failing when your lips start to touch mine.
when you hold me, time stops every time.
and all that matters is you and me.
Infinite possibilities.
Promises of happiness.
and the question of “Are you ready to be with me?”
It was like being five during christmas, the day
you said I can tell the world about us.
I was hopelessly happy,
idiotically smiling,
and eternally thankful.
Forever praying that you do not forget being in love.
It was time to stop looking for paradise…
because I am already living it.
Did you see it when the whole world started crashing?
When I realized that there existed one moment
that you spent with another love.
Nobody has ever shattered my world more than
hearing her words come out of your mouth.
I wondered if you heard my heart break?
I wondered if I can break your heart if I start leaving?
I wanted you to die the same way I was dying…
I do not know any other way to live my life…
only that i dream of sleeping beside you every night
and waking up to your smiles
wanting to share every happy moment of your life
and stopping every tear, healing every ounce of pain
before you can even feel them
i knew then that if i let go of your hand
i would learn the meaning of regret…
and the eventual death that seemed so far away
will happen tonight.
my life became yours
the day i became your reason for living
i trust you despite the challenges of our faith —-
love conquers mistakes.
i sleep tonight with your words comforting me…
and i will wake up with your love as my strength…
and dream awake of our dreams…
I am absolutely impatient.
wanting them to come true as fast as time permits
my heart seeks things i never knew i wanted…
your house, your name,
your kids, your dreams,
your future, our future…
i live my life the only way i know how…
in your embrace,
in your faith,
in your love.
in your meaning of forever.

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