then i remembered I don’t owe them anything

i’ve been counting down to the weekend as soon as i realized that it was already the day before Monday. yes, i have been that excited for Friday night to come along. i think i worked long and hard since 09 started — and i barely complained! — so i was allowing myself to not feel guilty about looking forward to a great weekend.

I was feeling pretty good, the delivery team accomplished a lot and I still had a few hours to cover the operator briefing! yay! I was off to see Nice in less than 2 hours…

…In my giddiness, I forgot to account for Murphy’s law.

I was told that I sent the wrong links and that I didn’t know a very important piece of the puzzle. To make matters worse, all this s&^t was happening in front of people we manage!!! So much for leading by example, I have four witnesses to the lack of communication of the management team.

Instead of going out the door within the next 15 minutes, I stayed in the office until 930 PM (and it doesn’t end there cause Monday is still another day!). I consider myself to be very level headed and have always believed that when something goes wrong, it wasn’t just one person’s responsibility and a lot of people have heard me preach this. But this was one time when I could simply not find anything else I could have done better… except perhaps if I tried to learn reading minds.

I was angry. I was angry from 930 in the evening up to 930 the next morning. I had talked it out with four people but the anger did not wane. I was angry, and angry some more… and then I was disappointed.

Disappointed because I dread what will happen Monday morning. How people would give their own excuse and how some would be difficult. I am disappointed to realize that it was not that different and that no place may ever be different.

Sigh.

I am disappointed because I am not happy anymore. She had said that the essence of being with them is not because of the money but because of the belief that you are part of something big and great. She reminded me that we accepted this… and maybe that was part of the problem. I felt compelled to stay because I accepted and I rarely quit things that I started. Then comes the leeway to finishing school, the birthday surprise, the “trust”… I owe them so much right?

But then again… didn’t I accomplish things? I sometimes felt like I had to jump hoops to get things done. Without guidance, without real clear objectives, direction or process… it was a challenge and I stood by all of it. I’ve passed my 6th month a few days back and I have not once objectively looked at this position because I felt obligated to stay… and also because it seemed to be a great deal. What’s losing a few numbers on your paycheck and some benefits to getting less stressed and having enough time for myself. Citibank said it best “priceless”.

But what happens when you lose the “less stress” and “enough time for yourself”? So far, just a yearly income that is 30% lower, less benefits and questions in your head.

I wish I did not wonder…

…but I do.

There’s a small voice now asking “What else could be out there?”

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