Day 285

We’ve been on the journey of battling PCOS for almost 2 years now, intermittently on the first year and religiously for the past 4 months. Despite having a number of people understand what we’re going through, there’s still a greater majority that don’t fully grasp the physical, emotional, and psychological impacts of it. There is still little sympathy and a lot more of insensitive comments.

Day 285 is one of those low days. Our doctor recommended we go through artificial insemination through IUI, the procedure isn’t cheap (though nowhere near as expensive as IVF) and it was a bit uncomfortable (not something I would look forward to repeating). Of course, we had high hopes.

That 30 seconds when you realize that you’ve gotten your period is devastating. It makes you fearful of the future, makes you feel like a failure, makes you doubt your value as a wife — it’s something I’ve gone through monthly within the last 6 months and something I go through alone. 30 seconds of utter heartbreak.

But because the world didn’t stop, you pick yourself up and shake it off. You make that phone call to the husband and comfort each other, you trust that he will love you no matter what. You say that short prayer of forgiveness for despairing, of strength to get through another setback, and of faith to keep on believing that your dreams will happen in his perfect time. You go through the normal requirements of your day despite dysmenorrhea reminding you of what you don’t have yet. You keep that smile on your face and silently crave your bedroom so you can cry for a few minutes. You think of how else can you eat healthier or how much more exercise you should pack in your day. Like clockwork, you go back to that doctor’s office and go through it again with as much hope as you can muster.

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