The more obvious change is how you’ve turned our living space to your living space. The living room has a pram across each end, the coffee table has a rocker for centerpiece, there’s a big box of an unopened high chair in the kitchen, and colorful clutter — rattles, blankies, milk bottles, small clothes — everywhere. All these at 3 months!
The not so obvious changes are the ones others can only sense and only I can feel.
You’ve changed the meaning of every love song for me. I hear Betty Who on the radio and ‘I love you always forever’ suddenly isn’t about a boy and a girl but our love story. I am breaking my promise to your dad to only be in love with him because I am hopelessly in love with you (it’s the same for him so it’s ok).
I wake up every morning earlier than I want to cause every extra waking hour is time with you. I don’t bother with my phone as soon as I wake up like I used to. My first thought now is how well you’ve slept and if you feel great today (and then I think of your dad).
Priorities have taken a backseat to you. Work-life balance jumped on top of the list cause I need to be involved in everything you. Yes, we’ll probably be obsessive parents (we’ll try hard not to be) and you’ll complain a lot but you will never be wanting.
I sleep less but sleep much better when you sleep soundly between mum & dad. I’ve memorized your little snores, your dreamin’ smiles, and every grunt.
Your smiles make a big difference between a bad and a great day. I rarely have bad days cause you make everything better. I forget all the trivial problems when I’m reminded of how great God’s love is by looking at you.
Family meant so much more when you arrived… and I can only see my future when it’s connected with your dad and you.
We’ve been on the journey of battling PCOS for almost 2 years now, intermittently on the first year and religiously for the past 4 months. Despite having a number of people understand what we’re going through, there’s still a greater majority that don’t fully grasp the physical, emotional, and psychological impacts of it. There is still little sympathy and a lot more of insensitive comments.
Day 285 is one of those low days. Our doctor recommended we go through artificial insemination through IUI, the procedure isn’t cheap (though nowhere near as expensive as IVF) and it was a bit uncomfortable (not something I would look forward to repeating). Of course, we had high hopes.
That 30 seconds when you realize that you’ve gotten your period is devastating. It makes you fearful of the future, makes you feel like a failure, makes you doubt your value as a wife — it’s something I’ve gone through monthly within the last 6 months and something I go through alone. 30 seconds of utter heartbreak.
But because the world didn’t stop, you pick yourself up and shake it off. You make that phone call to the husband and comfort each other, you trust that he will love you no matter what. You say that short prayer of forgiveness for despairing, of strength to get through another setback, and of faith to keep on believing that your dreams will happen in his perfect time. You go through the normal requirements of your day despite dysmenorrhea reminding you of what you don’t have yet. You keep that smile on your face and silently crave your bedroom so you can cry for a few minutes. You think of how else can you eat healthier or how much more exercise you should pack in your day. Like clockwork, you go back to that doctor’s office and go through it again with as much hope as you can muster.
I am absolutely miserable. No one would probably know how much but me.
Perhaps it wasn’t really a surprise, I was already taking steps for it not to happen but maybe I wasn’t fast enough or urgent enough or sensitive enough. Now that it’s done, there might not even be any benefit of trying to figure out what could have been.
At my core, I am shattered and broken… to pieces, to shreds, to tiny grains and specks. And most of the time I keep it together, I smile and laugh and am courageously moving forward. Yet the night haunts me, it is mostly when I am nearest that I feel most alone.
It’s rare that I get to have meaningful conversations that do not involve work when at the office but today, I was lucky enough to have some downtime with very interesting people.
A friend shared with us that he had prayed to God to give him a sign if being gay is really a sin. So what will happen if he finds out that it is, we asked. And this is where we hit an impasse. I can barely imagine how hard it must be to think and worry every day that being true to yourself is also the same reason that can separate you from God.
The earlier conversation will probably stay with me as I find my own faith. You see, while I have always strongly believed in God and prayer, I have always been more a social reformist than a religious practitioner. The battle inside myself is about reconciling the loving God that wants the best for his children and the laws of his church. Faith, they say, is a strong belief in God or in the doctrines of a religion, based on spiritual apprehension rather than proof. My faith believes in a God that has no prejudice and one that allowed things to happen because he has a grand plan for everything.
I shared what I had seen on TV last night about a church that was run and made up of LGBT folks. Amongst the stories was about a gay who wanted to become a priest but couldn’t because the whole neighbourhood knew that he was gay since childhood, he was depressed until someone told him about the church. There was also an interview with one of their priests who highlighted the dilemma that as the Catholic Church continues to not accept LGBTs, this would lead to more and more LGBTs losing their faith.
Thanks to Google, I found out that what was featured is the Metropolitan Community Church Philippines. On their website, they said “…is a church where Gays, Lesbians, Bisexuals, and Transgenders are accepted and loved. This is the church where you can be who and what you are without pretending to be who you are not just to please people. God is already pleased with those who accepted Jesus Christ as their Lord and Savior….” I believe God works in mysterious ways perhaps, I was meant to share what I had watched at the same moment that a friend is asking for a sign. Perhaps, you’re on your own spiritual journey and what I shared here might help you.
Perhaps, one day, we will all find enlightenment.
Lord, give me strength
to meet another day,
to fight for a difference,
to make a lasting change.