50 things before i die… REVISITED

I made an uncompleted list in April 2006. 3 years later, let’s see how far I’ve gone…

  1. bungee… it’s so cool when fran (a 62 yr. old amazing race contestant) did it.
  2. 5,000 hits on this blogsite
  3. see the eiffel tower
  4. have a 5-yr relationship (hopefully with someone else… harharhar!)
  5. have a star (one ‘r’) named after me
  6. ride a plane to anywhere
  7. go back to the planetarium
  8. gym for 6 straight months
  9. go to a cheesy valentine’s day concert
  10. ask a guy out on a date
  11. marry… (i think i want this….)
  12. own 50 pairs of shoes (all usable during the same point in time)
  13. have my own condo… (paid and under my name)
  14. have a roadtrip with me on the wheel…
  15. play in a frisbee game… jogadores seem to love it =D
  16. blow 20K in shopping for clothes and shoes
  17. buy dad a car
  18. have a retreat
  19. publish a poem
  20. graduate… (groan!)
  21. finish a book at starbucks
  22. watch jaws again…
  23. go to the surf shack
  24. learn to paint (so i can and nurture the frustrated artist in me)
  25. Host my parents’ golden anniversary
  26. Learn to ride a bike
  27. Learn to swim (…then learn to scuba dive!)
  28. swim with jellyfishes
  29. play pusoy challenge again…
  30. complete the nancy drew hardbound series

then i remembered I don’t owe them anything

i’ve been counting down to the weekend as soon as i realized that it was already the day before Monday. yes, i have been that excited for Friday night to come along. i think i worked long and hard since 09 started — and i barely complained! — so i was allowing myself to not feel guilty about looking forward to a great weekend.

I was feeling pretty good, the delivery team accomplished a lot and I still had a few hours to cover the operator briefing! yay! I was off to see Nice in less than 2 hours…

…In my giddiness, I forgot to account for Murphy’s law.

I was told that I sent the wrong links and that I didn’t know a very important piece of the puzzle. To make matters worse, all this s&^t was happening in front of people we manage!!! So much for leading by example, I have four witnesses to the lack of communication of the management team.

Instead of going out the door within the next 15 minutes, I stayed in the office until 930 PM (and it doesn’t end there cause Monday is still another day!). I consider myself to be very level headed and have always believed that when something goes wrong, it wasn’t just one person’s responsibility and a lot of people have heard me preach this. But this was one time when I could simply not find anything else I could have done better… except perhaps if I tried to learn reading minds.

I was angry. I was angry from 930 in the evening up to 930 the next morning. I had talked it out with four people but the anger did not wane. I was angry, and angry some more… and then I was disappointed.

Disappointed because I dread what will happen Monday morning. How people would give their own excuse and how some would be difficult. I am disappointed to realize that it was not that different and that no place may ever be different.


I am disappointed because I am not happy anymore. She had said that the essence of being with them is not because of the money but because of the belief that you are part of something big and great. She reminded me that we accepted this… and maybe that was part of the problem. I felt compelled to stay because I accepted and I rarely quit things that I started. Then comes the leeway to finishing school, the birthday surprise, the “trust”… I owe them so much right?

But then again… didn’t I accomplish things? I sometimes felt like I had to jump hoops to get things done. Without guidance, without real clear objectives, direction or process… it was a challenge and I stood by all of it. I’ve passed my 6th month a few days back and I have not once objectively looked at this position because I felt obligated to stay… and also because it seemed to be a great deal. What’s losing a few numbers on your paycheck and some benefits to getting less stressed and having enough time for myself. Citibank said it best “priceless”.

But what happens when you lose the “less stress” and “enough time for yourself”? So far, just a yearly income that is 30% lower, less benefits and questions in your head.

I wish I did not wonder…

…but I do.

There’s a small voice now asking “What else could be out there?”

Yesterday was a not so good day.

Driven. That is one word that could easily describe me. The problem is as hard-headed and stubborn as I am, I am deeply attracted to a person who can put the reins on me. The probability of him succeeding will never be 100% (I’d say around 45%) but I crave the struggle. The fact that you can challenge me is a plus. Another complication is that I define a fine line between being a challenge and being a crazy controlling freak. I will not stick with a someone that commands everything to be done his way all the time. He just needs to be able to hold his own.

While in college, everybody wanted to rich and successful on their own. And though I wanted that to some degree, my greatest wish is for my parents to hit the jackpot so I can live off their money. 🙂 Crazy, huh? But I’ve always wished to be treated like a princess sometimes. Sometimes being the operative word because I know that with the values my parents have instilled in me the past 25 years, I would always crave to know the greater purpose of my life. I’d probably spend a lot of my time learning the arts or doing research for political/humanitarian issues.

I never wanted to get married and have kids. On my first serious relationship, we faintly thought about getting married but had not really wanted kids. When that ended, it reaffirmed my belief (or non-belief) about marriage. And then somehow I found myself imagining a life with someone who was still with someone else. It was a whirlwind but he became the best of my life.

I am afraid of ruining it. Neither do I want him to change. Perhaps what I want is for both of us to change so we can be more. A future with little doubt. I do not crave a lot for contentment. Or so I think…